Times they are a' changin...

The government today announced that the office of President of Nepal will be outsourced to India as of March 29th‚ 2010 (coinciding intentionally with birthday of yours truly).

The statement said that the move is being made in order to save the president's salary‚ and also a result of billions of rupees in deficit expenditures, mostly managed coolly by the ever-donating-to-the-party-cadres Prime Minister, and other non-related overhead that the PMO and ministerial cabinet has incurred during meetings held over past 6 months, on how to save the government in case Mr. Koirala restarts adoring his daughter.

"We believe this is a wise financial move. The cost savings are huge‚" stated the Finance Minister, who's also considering getting an Indian voter's card with new-learnt tricks of govern-minting. "We cannot remain competitive on the world stage with the current level of cash outlay‚" Mr. Minister.

President Yadav, who went to India today itself, to meet a horde of other Yadavs, in a non-family reunion, was informed by email this morning of his termination. According to a higly-placed source, who shall here remain nameless and should have remained jobless – if he did not have right political contacts, preparations for the job move have been underway for some time.

Surinder Singh‚ who's a tele-operator for some non-descript call center in Mumbai, or maybe some other city, in India‚ will assume the office of President. Mr. Singh was born in Nepal, while his Indian parents were vacationing at Davies' Falls‚ in Pokhara‚ and fell to the temptation of increasing the family size there itself. According to the yet-to-be formulated citizenship law, his birth roots, and not dental, makes him eligible for the position. Mr. Singh shall be working from his call center itself, in Mumbai or wherever he is, and would not be occupying the Presidential Palace near a hospital.

However, he will receive a salary of NRs. 1500 a month‚ but of course perk involving covering the entire Nepali capital in a never ending traffic jam and security personnel running around to make him feel good at all times, even when he's teleconferencing with the Indian political leaders. Government has said that it would also help on reducing the ever increasing phone bills of the Nepal government, which are imperative since ministers can't function without the orders from the other side of the border.

Mr. Singh issued a statement, moments ahead of his nomination saying he always wanted to be a president, ever since he lost an election of his mohalla teen club in his earlier days. His statement, symbolically written, read : "WTF!!!"

In a telephone conversation with yours truly, he said that the time difference in both the countries, that of 15 minutes, will help him work for both the institutions, that of Nepal government, and his call center. However, yours truly suspected he was talking about the difference of 57 years in Nepali Calender and the Global Calender.

Another highly placed source, similar to that of the previous one, told yours truly that Mr. Singh may not be fully aware of all the issues involved in heading the federal state of Nepal, that should not be a problem as none of the other heads of state we had had ever been familiar with the issues either.

Meanwhile, the move has unilaterally been welcomed by the opposition party, namely the Maoists, headed by Mr. Fierce One, or Mr. Awesome, whichever scares you. Their single line welcome statement read: "We always supported the notion of President heading the government as well as state, the full executive President. Since he's from India, we won't have doubts or any problems negotiating with him."

In a separate development, sources close to the President-in-transition-or-in-translation informed that Mr. Yadav has been reported to be seeking consultancy from some company sending people to Qatar for work in some under paying company or a water-free ride to desert to take care of camels, whichever finds them first.

Disclaimer: The writer of this news story, does not claim any responsibility of its factual correctness, and all blame should go to the reader of the post, whether they want to trust it or not...

The Year that Was!

And finally, this year (2009) comes to an end. At one point, yours truly thought this might never come to an end at all, rather the year 2009 would continue till eternity, maybe even surpassing the 'doomsday' announced sometime in 2012. But then every good thing comes to an end – and rather surprisingly, bad ones last too, albeit longer – and this one had to bid goodbye too.

However, this year has been a notable one, for yours truly, and he is sure, as he always is (whether it's about his buffoonery or somebody else's), it would have been similar, if not the same, for you too. For this has been the year when entire Nepal was more interested in the exact site, setting and semantics of mole on Namrata Shrestha's parts-in privy (as it should have been) than it was on how to walk to office (or back) in case some nincompoop party announced a bandh at its whim.

Yours truly enjoyed this year to the fullest, just as he's been doing it for last 3 decades. For this was the year when Tiger Woods proved that he was human, and not God, which all of mortals thought he was. It was amazing why he chose to tell the world that he was human by philandering – or getting in the news a lá Paris Hilton, and not getting out-foccused by some passers-by while putting those ice-cool putts he's been doing over the years. But the great news is, the Tiger is human after all, with the fallibility that makes some of us look like four-footed.

Amazingly, this was the year when Sachin Tendulkar proved his God-like status yet again. This is another year where he made us question: Is he human after all? People like us (the ones who can't see others happy) would keenly be waiting for the day, when he too takes the Woods road, and tell us why we love those high ups falling down. But then… yours truly also fears that day.

This was the year when our own government took the issue of climate change to heights, literally. Just as we were thinking of minimizing our carbon footprints on earth by trying out eco-friendly ways, like closing down lights when we need them most – by increasing load shedding hours, our government took half the country to Everest Base Camp. Imagine the fuel consumption… And just when we imagined nobody can beat that, Nepal went ahead and outdid itself. With 650 people at Copenhagen, yours truly is sure, Danish government got scared thinking the bandh virus had spread to the Nordic countries too. You can bet, that was the reason China, more or less, got scared and started talking about complying with global emission cuts. (China, with some 50 times our population, amazingly, sent less than 50 people to the summit)

But then, for yours truly, the best part of the year was – when Comrade (pronounced – come raid) the Fierce One, decided to quit the all powerful seat he was holding, and called the government-in-his-absence the 'puppet'. The Fierce One, or Mr. Awesome – as called by many – along with his partner-in-crime Comrade Red Flag (Laldhwaj, in Nepali) outdid themselves – just as we tried to forget which side of the border they were in while those 'famous' treaties were signed – by saying they're ready to talk only to the forces south side of the border. Well, that said all, but we pretend we're yet to know – and that, is the best part yours truly saw in the year that's going by…

And lest I should forget, let's raise a toast saying…

Here's to the bright New Year

And a fond farewell to the Old;

Here's to the things that are yet to come

And the memories that we hold… Amen!!!

PS: Yours truly, will, hopefully, come up with better ones next year...

So, who is the most powerful, after all?

Just like you, yours truly (because he is yours truly), has also heard about foreign interference on our nation. Just the other day the PM, or was it one of the many ex-PMs that we have, was speaking about some country interfering in Nepal.

The best thing is about this is that we often forget who says it. Forget the vested interest of the person saying it, we often take it for granted that we are being interfered. The worst part is, we’re becoming used to interference and also being told that we’re being interfered.

So the perpetual question arises. Who is the most powerful in Nepal? (Did you ever think that Come-raid Fierce One or Come-raid Red Undies or the Grand Old young Turk would feature in the list?) Is it India? Or US? Or is it EU, or UK, who had the best mimicking Ambassador in the history of this former Himalayan Kingdom? (Did you forget His Excellency something, who used to mimic the former King, in many interaction cocktails with the bigwig journos of dear Nepal?)

Well, yours truly’s estimates (often termed under or over estimates) and research (often termed time pass), says it is Sri Lanka. Or more precisely, the Sri Lankan President…

In case anybody thinks this is surprising, they just had to look at the lane dividers on the capital valley’s nasty lanes being removed, just because Mr. Prez wanted them to stay on the sides. Nothing till then, not even the strike organizers, passing cabs who hit those concrete materials pretty regularly – changing their shapes – could change the décor of city lanes. But Mr. Prez from a friendly nation could change that. Powerful, eh! (That reminds yours truly of a famous line from Mao – Power flows from the barrel of the gun!)

They say, truth is stranger than fiction. And sometimes true it seems. Just imagine, the same powerful person had to quit the Nepal tour midway through due to some shameless actions on the Lankan cricketers in some other friendly land. Now the question is: Who is more powerful? The Mr. Prez, who could move the concrete blocks from the middle of the road (where they probably deserved to be) or the terrorists who moved him back to his nation, in a rush of emergency?

And as that famous songster sang once… The answer my friend, is blowing in the wind…

What to expect in New Nepal?

Now that Nepal has officially become New Nepal (don't you know who the New Prime Minister is?), we are sure some things will change for good (still questioning the logic of the word…) now.

But what would it be that would change and what would remain the same. Yours truly was just told yesterday (by someone claiming to be a friend), "All good things will change, and all things will remain good."

Big talks those, for these words are difficult to fathom. The only things that I could manage to understand in those were the complicated use of the words. No good that…

Anyways, we only pray that some things from good 'ol Nepal would remain the way they've always been. Like, smelly rivers in the capital; opportunity to watch the latest blockbuster while complaining during Maitighar Traffic jam; Short-term Nepali festivals called bandh, chakka jam etc.; and the people who love to interrupt you no matter what.

The chances are Nuclear-free world could be a reality before these things actually change in Nepal. But some things that we would love to see changing, and realistically pray that would change, in the days (or hours?) to come would be:

1. Security to those-who-matter: Maoist combatants providing security to security chiefs - This idea perhaps needs to be patented. For this could have come from a genius head (so, not staking claim to such an idea at all…). If the combatants are good enough to secure the new PM (that too, the Fierce One), of course, those Generals, IGs and similarly attired personalities would be better off under their cover. Moreover, it does not let them deviate from what we term as the 'People's mandate'.

2. Nationalization of intellectual property: So much has been talked about the nationalization of property. It's time for a shift, and Nepal is yearning for a quantum shift now. With too many intellectual property heads confined to such small space in the capital, we need to do something about it. We are looking forward to nationalize it. The rationale here is - like every other organization that is national, these too do not work. With so many heads nationalized, it's definitely going to be easier to get rid of them too (not an original idea though…). One question needs to be answered though, if all the nationalized intellectual property is thrown into Bagmati, would the river be called Brain Drain?

3. Parking lots on the roads: This is certainly the Oscar winner, among all the ideas that have been thrown to yours truly lately (he's already under a pile and barely able to type - This is secretary using the fingers for him). Something that we'd love to see in New Nepal is, parking spaces on the roads. Take Maitighar to Tinkune stretch for example. Just imagine how many vehicles can be parked on the stretch. With protests at Maitighar and Constituent Assembly at Baneshwor, haven't the roads already been reduced to slow moving parking lot? Dare to disagree, if you can. Moreover, this is another way to increase the royal, err… Maoist, oops… government revenue. Keep on adding more vehicles on the road Mister, we gonna get you down by levying parking fees. Wotta way to employ those 'league goons', err… league leaders while extorting, err… enforcing fees. Ain't it a brilliant idea comrade (pronounced come-raid)?

We'll let the list grow fat in days to come.
And before it gets too late, news to share:

Venezuela's national assembly took action against kidnapping and passed a law that addressed abduction. Up to this point the country hasn't had a specific law that deals with kidnapping. Now, if someone is convicted of kidnapping they could face up to 30 years in jail. Even thought kidnapping rates are down this year, the government felt a law was needed to address gorilla warfare abductions that have plagued the country.

Afterthought:
We can have our assembly formulate a law supporting kidnapping. Any takers??? Something we can add to make it our very own idea is - All kidnapping which do not show political cause behind it and asks for no ransom be banned. Unless, how would the state and business function?